Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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