And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
