I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
