She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
