im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
