how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
