My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
