i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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