I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Someone came in the potted fern
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
