My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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