Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
