First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
