I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
