life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
