If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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