its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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