Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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