I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
