thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
