i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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