you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
