I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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