You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
