On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
