dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
