theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
