i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
