he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Drunk is not a location!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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