I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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