I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Randomize
