I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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