Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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