Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
