There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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