Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
