If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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