she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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