ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
