proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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