Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
