Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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