I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
