I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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