hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
