The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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