Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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