Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
