All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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