I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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