hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
