he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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