so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
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