My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize