I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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