after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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