I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
