had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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