Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
